i don't remember much after that... i was in a sort of zombie state for about 5 months. i remember trying to understand what was happening on a TV show and being confounded. i remember needles and lots of doctors appointments in blurs that don't add up to anything of substance. i remember my mom being terribly worried. i was always cold and i didn't really want move or eat. if i did so it was to please my poor mom.
somewhere the chains of doctors appointments lead us to the neurology department of CHOP. i don't know the doctor's name, but i wish i did. he discovered that there had been a virus attacking my brain. (why did/ does that happen? i have no idea!) and he said that it seemed to be leaving my system. i kind of remember trying hard to tune in at this point. he said my name. i tried to look up. he locked eyes with me, put his hands on my shoulders and said something to this effect-
"Erica, the virus is leaving your system, but you still have to fight it. you're not going to be ok unless you fight it. you have to come back now. do you understand me?"
i did.
something funny happened to me while i was in my hibernated state. i always enjoyed drawing and writing before, but not nearly as much as performing. i was determined to wind up on Broadway.
when i came out of hibernation all i wanted to do was draw/paint/write. i still get stage fright to this day. i became much more introverted.
as i started 8th grade i had to find myself in a whole new way. not that i really had my identity all figured out in 7the grade, but a lot of what i did know about myself had changed while my brain was on vacation.
my english teacher gave us an assignment to research american poets. on that list was E.E.Cummings. i was drawn to the name and started reading his work. it was confounding. i loved it. that time i spent in the library pouring myself over his poems in solitude was such a wonderful break from the chaos i found in the rest of the school. who was cool or not. who was pretty or not. who was the loudest... what is the name of that person that i've gone to school with for the past 8 years...
in particular i fell in love with poem below. and i continue to love it.
anyone lived in a pretty how town (with up so floating many bells down) spring summer autumn winter he sang his didn't he danced his did Women and men(both little and small) cared for anyone not at all they sowed their isn't they reaped their same sun moon stars rain children guessed(but only a few and down they forgot as up they grew autumn winter spring summer) that noone loved him more by more when by now and tree by leaf she laughed his joy she cried his grief bird by snow and stir by still anyone's any was all to her someones married their everyones laughed their cryings and did their dance (sleep wake hope and then)they said their nevers they slept their dream stars rain sun moon (and only the snow can begin to explain how children are apt to forget to remember with up so floating many bells down) one day anyone died i guess (and noone stooped to kiss his face) busy folk buried them side by side little by little and was by was all by all and deep by deep and more by more they dream their sleep noone and anyone earth by april wish by spirit and if by yes. Women and men(both dong and ding) summer autumn winter spring reaped their sowing and went their came sun moon stars rain
by, E. E. Cummings
thus far i have only ever created one piece in it's honor, but i'm sure that will change.
"Anyone"
in retrospect, i am grateful for this experience because it is a part of what brought me to where i am.
i believe that everything happens for a reason. at the time i'm sure that i would not have been so insightful. but if this experience didn't happen to me would i be a painter? or would i be a sub par overly ambitious broadway hopeful...
if nothing else, in the face of any hardships or regrets i might have had in my life- if those things are what brought me to this point- especially being the mama to Annaleah, then i wouldn't dare change a thing!
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