Purge

Life can be very frustrating. Sometimes there is nothing you can do but sit on your hands to keep yourself from sinking into the negativity.

The words you could say...

But you (i) would surely regret them in the near future. Or, at least that has been my experience.

 I hate to be angry. It is my least favorite emotion. So if "you" took me "there", I'm extra annoyed at you. But please don't worry, my friends- you have to really try to "take" me "there"...

Long fuse, big blow, fast to want to make all right, but sometimes there's a lesson to be learned...

I'm frustrated tonight and the most fitting thing I can find to house this anger is the personal data centered in credit card applications that I'm sent almost daily (despite my not perfect credit). No thank you future debt...

I'm ripping out the personal information and sending it to ash. Take that credit card/identity thieves!

I'm really not a pyromaniac- it's just what I have handy :)

Retrospect

I was told many years ago that the average visual artist produces about thirty paintings a year. And of those thirty paintings only a handful will really be strong pieces. I found that defeating at the time but knew that it was probably true.

In my studio process I work on many pieces at once. I go from piece to piece and when i reach the end of my rope on one, I put it in the "pile" and pick up a different one. When I near a deadline I go into overdrive, somewhat narrow my focus on less then 8 pieces and pour whatever I have left of my energy into them with my blood, sweat and prayers.

When the deadline comes and goes I am left with the wreckage of my studio, several best attempts at completion and a large pile of panels which are "in process". Sometimes for years. 

Recently I finished a painting and I believe I'm actually quite happy with it. "Retrospect" The panel itself was once a completed 24"x24" painting- it was even in a show and posted on my website. But after a couple of months I decided it wasn't very good and it became a puddle on my floor. From its remnants I kept trying to find "it". For almost a year I wrestled with it, got frustrated, put it in the pile and then picked it up again and again to no avail.

I bartered an advertising slot for the deduction of that cost off of a painting. That friend wanted me to do a commissioned piece for him based on a personal experience. 

That collector gave me the inspiration for it, I bought the materials to construct a new panel and was about to begin...

Then I realized that I wasn't able to get my work back from an exhibition in time for an open studio event and I was short on my inventory. I put his commission and two others on the back burner and focused on a few pieces to finish in a weeks time for the event. I happened to pick up that same 24"x24" panel and all of a sudden it came together. It just flowed out of me in a way that rarely happens. Something about it lead me to name it "Retrospect" and hung it gladly with the two others completed for the event.

The next day I was in the studio ready to start that barter commission and resume my work, but I couldn't keep my eye off "Retrospect". I realized that it was the same size as the barter commission and the title was very fitting. It occurred to me, amongst my other ongoing deadlines, it would be wise to make sure that it wasn't "his" painting. 

He came to see it and loved it. That poor panel finally found its place and I had the Godsend of the easiest commission ever. I inadvertently painted it for him. Had I started from scratch and focused on it,

it probably would have taken me months to complete. 

Battle

To be a professional artist-

It's not always fun, or passionate play-time and whole hearted self expression.

It can be very hard work-

To create when you're not in the mood- not moved, or particularly inspired...

To take on commissions (the bread and butter for many) and have the first version (which you poured your heart and soul into) and maybe the second attempt still not be quite be what they wanted...

To try to be a good business person, while still connecting to your work in a meaningful way, and juggling everyday life (for me motherhood, household chores, etc)...

To realize there are so many talented artists out there trying to do what you're trying to to- and often it seems to somehow come easier to them...

To be exhausted and burnt out, yet still on a deadline. Praying for the merciful gift of the muse as you burn whatever you have left trying to make "it" happen...

To try so very hard in these circumstances with everything you have left but it to all comes apart...

To approach a project that you really really want to do but you're just about empty...

To need the supplies to finish the painting to make your bills and buy more supplies...

To pray for a miracle- that a big painting sells soon because your car broke down or you made a stupid mistake on your taxes...

Yes, it can be hard. It can be very humbling.

But the rewards of working hard to follow your passion are great.

When you 're truly in need and it's somehow provided...

When you feel burnt out/ emptied,and a   stranger shows up to tell you just how much your painting means to them...

When you're past praying for a big piece  to sell to make those bills and you're left with the bare faith of just trying to go on. And then suddenly- that sale comes.

This is a constantly humbling, torrid, exhausting, revival cycle in my life. 

I want you to understand how this is.

But would I trade it all for that steady paying, time off and insurance giving cubicle life?

No thank you.

"Jasper"

"Jasper"

18"x24"

encaustic on panel

EBCBrown,LLC'13

 

 

 

a while ago I wrote a blog called "of slugs and accidental homicide".

this piece was inspired by that post. to read it, click below...

 

http://www.blogger.com/blogger.g?blogID=2561020633791865966#editor/target=post;postID=58878445634185643;onPublishedMenu=posts;onClosedMenu=posts;postNum=66;src=postname



Muse- Tricen

There shall rarely be such a beautiful muse to me as this- my darling, Tricen. Though, the years that have passed, you are now a man...

I keep a photo of us close to my heart and it will follow me wherever I go- along with my prayers for you always.

I met you during an outreach from my church and we bonded right away. You asked me to take you home with me. Oh - my love I wish I could have ! maybe I should have? but at the age of. 17 I felt so ill equipped .

I came back to visit you regularly- much to my parent's chagrin and I relished in your prescience.

One cold November day I came to visit - you and your brother were outside playing in too large underwear. I said,"aren't you cold?" and you said yes, so I entered into your house, stepped over your mother passed out on the floor, past a large man doing something in the corner, up into your bedroom. There I found warm clothing, jackets and gloves but no boots...I think I remember tying plastic bags around your feet before I left.

 

The paths of my life lead me away from you, but hardly a day has gone by that I don't think of you and pray for you. 

Into the great wide open of this Internet, this crazy world, the tear stained face I have typing this... Please, let Tricen be doing well and please surround him with love.

"Gifted" Exhibition

Ready

Today Joel and i set up my exhibition space at the Contemporary Art Show NYC. I'm excited, but slightly nervous about the next three days. I'm overwhelmed with gratitude for the people who have surrounded me with love and support. It means a great deal to me.

 Thank you!!!! And thank you to my amazing right hand man, my fiancé Joel.

Next week it's onto an awesome 3 person show at the Blank Canvas Gallery in New Hope, PA and then the "Gifted" show at the Art Trust in west Chester. 

It's a crazy run but I'm honestly just relieved that the whip at my back to create(!) is quiet for the time being. This group of work has been particularly hard for me. And I really really need some sleep.