The tortured artist- via the NY Times

http://www.nytimes.com/1985/11/17/arts/how-inner-torment-feeds-the-creative-spirit.html?smid=pl-share

Aim

I want to do right in my life.

I want to be a good mommy

I want to be a good wife,

I want to do well at my job

And i want to be a good professional artist-

But what does that look like ?

I believe that means purposefully seeking out my creations...

To do the best with the gifts I have been given.
Professionally- taking defeat in stride and to keep trying.

Likewise- taking praise into stride. It is encouragement. Let it go too...

To be honest and hardworking. To give where I can.

I refuse to just paint what is sellable and I'm at a sort of impasse

where do I go from here?

I'm humbled, despite my nice resume and good sales.

What is next and how can I get there ?

It can be so defeating-

So big but so limited...
But I'm not giving up !
Tool in hand, I create and have faith that the next step will come. 

Lord give me the energy to seek it.

Delight

I'm winding down the last 2 of a group of 4 commissions that I've been lost in self torment over for the past 6 months. As I find myself becoming more confident in finally "finding" these pieces, I'm beginning to let go and work on other pieces that are a bit more freeing. 

And I'm extremely excited to buy new construction materials to build the pieces that I've been aching to paint.

Thank you to the patrons who have commissioned me. It is not your fault that these are so difficult for me. 

But I'm anxious to put this  arduous work behind me. It will be sheer delight to walk into the studio in the near future without any set prescribed goal. Just to create...

Sculpture at play...

http://us.cnn.com/video/data/2.0/video/offbeat/2014/02/07/erin-pkg-moos-near-naked-sleepwalker-statue.cnn.html?hpt=hp_c4

In the life

Being a professional artist, as I've known it-

 it's a balance of being humbled but not defeated. On the opposite spectrum- praised but not to think too highly of yourself. 

Bad news is often that good news later, even when you can't see it. And the world can seemingly fall apart with a profound resolution. It's not usually very fun to live out- but the twists and turns have their purpose.

Humbled, again we try...

Reworking...

I have fallen prey to perfectionism, perhaps, to a fault.

If a painting is not particularly one of my best and it's not purchased after a while- I usually rework it. 

Scrape it down, melt it on high to a puddle and work into it again- reinspired from the remains. This has been my way of thinking for many years. 

Many an "unfit" painting has met its demise as a puddle on my studio floor. 

It's exspensive and laborious to construct new panels- so why not make something better from these seemingly "failed" pieces?

Recently, as I took back into possession a collection of pieces that fit the above description, Joel reminded me-

You're low on inventory and regardless of how you feel about them, these pieces are part of your postarity for our daughter and somebody might still fall in love with them.

And he is right.

Therefore "Beloved" was spared.

Two others from the group were not so "lucky". (And I will post photos of them soon);)

It's a new way of thinking- to stay my hand. To let the pieces that remain unsold sit and collect dust for my daughter's future possession or for the random buyer that likes them.

But it's beautiful and smart to do so. So, thank you my precious Joel, I will heed your wise advice.

It's a sad but true thing that I long ago accepted- 

My paintings will never be as valuable as they will be after my passing.

I must leave a legacy to my daughter and some room for a buyer to want a piece after it's perceived "heyday".